Product Review: Five-Year-Old

At some point in your life, whether married or single, you may encounter the need for children. Through whichever means is appropriate for yourself or your family, you will acquire either 1) a baby or toddler that will turn into a five-year-old; or 2) a pre-assembled five-year-old. However your child comes packaged, you will need thorough, specific input prior to acquisition to determine whether or not a five-year-old would become a sensible addition to your household.*

*If you think that this reviewer is encouraging human trafficking, you’re an idiot and should probably go back to your organic beef stroganoff recipes and calling CPS on your trashy neighbors in halter tops.


  • Prehensile Thumbs. This makes for rapid ‘thumbs-upping’ when completing tasks you never asked for, including, but not limited to: renting movies from Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu while you’re still sleeping in the pre-dawn hours; covering your carpet in purple paint from going outside the lines of a coloring book designated only for crayons, then wiping said paint on the walls from lame attempts to hide the evidence; traumatizing your bearded dragon from ‘training’ it to be nice; and so on.
  • Smiles and Giggles That Won’t Quit. This feature of the five-year-old can be used for direct engagement, or as a buffer for rage murder when the product is placed in front of the television to watch mind-numbing crap on television.
  • Adorable Clothing. Everything is better in miniature.
  • Weight-loss. Every five-year-old includes the innate ability to want whatever you’re eating, so eat that chocolate, comrades! Devour that donut! Take amount of bites and hand the rest to that wee garbage disposal.
  • Better Than a Watch Dog. Oh, friends. Have you been wanting a dog to alert you to those pesky solicitors, intrusive religious nomads, or uninvited guests? With the five-year-old, you will know tens of seconds ahead of that dreaded knocking/doorbell that someone has come calling. Nighttime? No fear! The five-year-old will scream and/or wake you up for intruders both real and imagined! Bonus: If you don’t want to talk to the person at your door, let the five-year-old wear out meddlers for you! *
    *Requires locking screen door
  • New Vocabulary. You’ll learn all kinds of new words and meanings, like mushroom for marshmallow and foamy-wobile for four-wheeler. As a parent, you’ll want to make sure you can communicate with a changing world, and nothing is better for dumbing you down for it than adopting an entire vernacular meant to make your hair fall out while the five-year-old is screaming daily linguistic nuances! Figure out what they’re saying and it goes from ‘kill me now’ to ‘awwwww’ in no time! Bonus: Mimic high-pitched tones of the five-year-old to become extra repulsive.
  • Contributes to Developing Adult Skill-set. Ever wanted to become a detective? Your five-year-old will teach you how to find hundreds of lost toys a week! You’ll  never know where your earrings, makeup, phone, or Rolaids are, so dust off those brain cells and make some new ones! Want to try carpentry or design? You’ll be gluing broken toys, innovating broken furniture appendages, and fashioning makeshift doll clothing for years! Want to be a teacher? You’ll get to spend hours trying to teach them ‘B-AT’ sounds say freaking BAT or showing them how to not wear winter coats with shorts and soccer cleats to church! Bonus: Develop weight-training skills lifting them down from the top of the fridge.
  • Can Be Conned. Not professional by any means, but talk to the five-year-old in a creepy, cheery voice and you’ll get such luxuries as 30-second foot massages, painful hair-brushing, terribly prepared meals clumsily brought to you, or any item you don’t feel like retrieving. Bonus: Include the label of ‘the best helper’ and you’ll get chores done.*
    *Must have mediocre standards or lower.


  • Repeats Anything You Say. Better watch your mouths, racists, homophobes, and jerks. *Pro: Exception made for telemarketers and people who appear at your front door uninvited, excluding racist, homophobic, etc. statements. 
  • Anything You Do Might Turn It Into A Serial Killer. Yeah.
  • Has Sub-par Standards For Media. If you’ve never watched PJ Masks or listened to “Wheels On the Bus” on repeat, you need to build up your tolerance now. This reviewer suggests anger management courses, Thorazine, earplugs, and an emergency fund to replace electronic devices after they’ve been demolished by your in-house ball-peen.
  • Is Never Full / Is Always Full. You will be preparing and potentially wasting hundreds to thousands of dollars in food a year. Bonus con: never has to pee / always has to pee. Bonus pro: See above under ‘weight-loss.’
  • Never. Shuts. Up. The five-year-old vocal motor has a lifetime warranty for parts and labor, but you’ll soon learn this is hardly a benefit. Most expressions come in the form of arbitrary questions such as ‘What is my name?’ or ‘Are you my aunt-sister?’ and won’t be limited to members of the family. Also included are pull-string type euphemisms for the store like ‘Hey, girl!’ or ‘My mom has on a tampon for her bloods!’
  • Ruins Halloween. The five-year-old internal radar will know exactly when you sneak into their stash, and will also pick the most ignorant and common costume. If you’re strong and say no, you may be able to bypass this atrocity by never exposing them to Disney media or products. If you burn your tv before they discover it, you are a saint. Bonus con: They walk super slow, so it’s better just to make them hand out candy from your porch to the other unimaginatively dressed five-year-olds.
  • Can Ruin Marriage. This con comes with a disclaimer. If your significant other isn’t a sucker, you won’t get played by the five-year-old as often. Make sure you take a pre-cautionary run-down with your partner about what has been banned or forbidden for the day.
  • Very Loud. Dear Lord, hasn’t someone invented a legal, non-toxic child muzzle and restraints?
  • Terrible Ideas. The following abominations were invented by a five-year-old: French Cheese, the mixture of American cheese, ketchup, sour cream, and hate; song lyrics about literally everything the five-year-old does; a broom out of the stick from a ride-on pony stuck inside a decapitated doll’s head; clothing enhanced with what appeared to be Satanic symbols written in marker; many, many more.
  • Compromises The Moral Compass. If you think you’ll never lie to a five-year-old, try giving honest feedback to the hundreds of pictures that look like they were drawn by a two-toed sloth on Adderall. Try acting like you didn’t have covert art disposal operations when you think they’re asleep and getting caught when they inevitably aren’t. Try telling them they’re just ‘creative’ and ‘expressive’ when their outfit looks like it was designed by a drunk monkey.


As you can determine, deciding to get a five-year-old has both positives and negatives, and rather than quantify, you must qualify your decision based on the pros and cons you feel you can reasonably live with. The five-year-old in the house will require constant supervision, but if you have a large family like this reviewer, you are set. There’s no greater joy than pawning the five-year-old off on a grouchy older child for punishment so you can sit in the bathtub doing nothing for an hour longer than is required for actual cleaning. This reviewer suggest adding bubbles, salts, and headphones.

The five-year-old can light up a room as fast as it can darken one, but there’s a sense of pride in taming and guiding the five-year-old toward the grand pursuits of higher academics (watching NASA documentaries instead of Frozen) and not eating boogers (in public, at least). You can’t have small pets, sanity, or sleep, but you do get a wee thing who thinks you’re on par with Jesus and the ice-cream truck guy. With the right financing, attitude, and restraint, a five-year-old can add ironic joy to the life that never really asked, ‘Hmmm, what am I missing?’

Make sure to come back next week for my product review of ‘The Teenage Boy’!

6 thoughts on “Product Review: Five-Year-Old

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